An open letter to my spam friend

An open letter to my spam friend Lista.

Dear Ms Lista de Email

Thanks so much for taking the time to visit my site recently.  I am particularly appreciative of how you have begun to comment on every single post I’ve ever written.

I’m sorry, but your comments will never be shared with my real friends in the fashion you would like.  I’m simply not going to subject my readers with your endless links of virus infested snake-oil.

open letter to my spam friend

 

I’d like you to know that you are not my only spam friend.  I am also in correspondence with several other of your countrymen.  I suspect you know each other because you all share the same IP addresses.

Perhaps you can all meet in a cafe and discuss my latest blog post over a coffee and a spam sandwich.

However, I’d like to take the time to address your comments, because I do appreciate them so much.

I would have written you back in a more private manner, but the dozen or so email addresses you have used in corresponding with me are not working.

First of all, I understand that English is not your native language.

I’m impressed that you have sufficient mastery of English to comprehend the nuances of my sarcasm and puns in a language you did not grow up with.  I wish that you would demonstrate similar mastery with your own writing.  For the purposes of clarity, I have not corrected the grammar or spelling in your comments.

Secondly, I was just curious if you got royalties from the internet.

Your last name (email) has been stolen and used by all sorts of huge corporations and I wondered how you felt about it.  Did you consult an attorney?

Perhaps you DID win a lawsuit on the subject, one that allows you to own the myriad of different email addresses you use to correspond with me.

Lastly, I’d like to respond to a few of your more salient comments (spam portions removed).

On my “Everything you want to know about eggs?” post, you commented

heya..thanks for the post and great tips…i think that hard work is the most important aspect of getting success.

Thanks for the fortune cookie.

On my “How I became This Happy Mom, part 3” post, you commented

could you explain it more?

Why yes.  Yes I can.  It’s call a series.

I continued the series in “How I became This Happy Mom, part 4”  (note the catchy title denoting that the post is part of a series?  Pretty cool, huh?)

Perhaps you were trying to remind me that I need to post part 5.  Three days ago, on the EXACT SAME POST, you commented with

this is amazing stuff i think this is an extra achievement keep it up

and

the resume information is quite helpful. your sharing is much appreciated.

Thanks for being a cheerleader.

I’ll add part 5 (and 6) of my series to my to-do list.  Honest.  Right after “get a better spam filter” and “block your IP address.”

You took the time to find my “site migration update” post from early June and encouraged me with a rather zen-like

i simply wished to say greetings! wonderful web site incidentally.

While I appreciate the encouragement, I’d like to point out that my posts at that time showed a lack of consistent voice.  My blog looked like blech.

There was nothing “wonderful” about many of those early posts.  I stunk.

I am working my way through re-editing many of them to make them more visually and linguistically appealing.

But thanks for being such a constant voice of encouragement to me.

At various times, you have told me

i am delighted with your impressive words. please keep posting these awesome articles.

 

this is perfect, i am looking to do something similar very soon and this article makes perfect sense.

 

i visit your website everyday and i read all of your articles.

All on the same post.

It was the one titled “I am thankful for my blog.”   Clearly, you are thankful for it too.  That gives me a warm feeling.

Ms Lista (if that is your real name), I know that our correspondence has been rather one-sided up until now.  Your attempts to contact me via email have been flagged as spam by my server.  I simply can not access them.  My blog’s spam filter is causing similar issues when you attempt to post comments on my site.

Please accept my apology for not responding to you sooner.  I was busy cleaning out the cat litter box.

Sincerely,

This Happy Mom.

Updated with a response from Lista!

She actually commented on this post.  golden!

try to include more detail with this post so i can be found more better easier

I can’t make this stuff up.

If you are not a spammer, I’d love to hear your thoughts on spam.

updated 4/14/13 to add pin worthy art.  I continue to get 1-2 spammy comments on this post every week.  The spammers aren’t being ironic… perhaps moronic would be a better word.

spam on spam

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Susan Baker
I have a passion for encouraging weary worn out mothers to find joy in everyday motherhood and peace in unlikely places. I have two elementary school boys, one nerdy husband, and two cats. I have a strange fascination for bad puns, the color pink, socks, and books. I worry about running out of toilet paper, wine, and chocolate.. I serve an amazing God. I live an ordinary life filled with wonder.
Susan Baker
Susan Baker

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Comments

  1. Laughing so hard, great letter. Too bad spammers can’t be stopped

    • i can’t stop them, but at least i can make fun of them.

      i’m waiting eagerly to see if the spam brigade will comment on this post.

  2. That’s too funny – you make me wish I’d saved some of my spam! Sounds like a good phony ego boost if you ever have a phony case of the phony doldrums. 😉

    • you can always start saving spam now… i’d love to read how you respond to it. 🙂 not that i’m egging you on or anything.

  3. Kathy Penney @ Pinner Takes All says:

    Stopping by from Houston Bloggers and Twitter. This post cracked me up! I have a very new blog and so was curious as to what exactly was in my spam comment box. I must say I am jealous of the entertainment value of yours! Good writing!

    • i had a LOT of fun writing this post. the crazy thing is that i still have enough funny stuff in my spam box for at least one more post.

  4. Oh my goodness! You seem to have an admirer. LOL! Spammers are so annoying! I had 4 or 5 posts from someone on my last few posts. I just went in and deleted them this morning. Fun post! Thanks for the laughs. Stacie xo

  5. Shar Martinez says:

    Visiting from twitter! Oh my goodness it seems like you had a spam stalker on your hands! Hands down, this is the best post that I’ve came across today! Haha I loved the way you went about doing this girl!

    xoxo – Shar

    • Shar, thank you! I had a blast writing this post. If I have to get spam, I might as well get something out of it. I can only hope that somewhere, a spammer reads the post and laughs at themselves.

  6. Prunebutt says:

    You should do what my lazy author does. You should turn these delectable little gems into a short story. Feel free to write me into it. Something like this – “Spammerview,” but with Tina Turner playing my leading lady.

    You should try your hand at writing spam. I moonlight that way, you know. Check out Fiverr.com. Just $5 for instant validation.

    You have a lovely blog.

    I think you are expert on this topic, but you are too hard on yourself. Like most bloggers, you don’t know everything. Blog more often and it will come to you.

    Help me, I’m trapped down here with a little monster and –aaarrrrrrggghhhhhhh… (I hate it when my author glares at me and puts her finger on the red button. The one on the power strip.)

    You might also contribute some potted meat to Marian Allen’s Facebook page called “Spomment of the Day.”

    • Prunebum (we don’t cuss here at ThisHappyMom), If I didn’t know your author personally, I would have been tempted to push the spam button or perhaps edit your comments.

      Since I know her and owe her lunch next week, I’ll happily welcome your comments without altering them. Even though it means you have free reign to post something naughty later (please don’t).

  7. I literally just laughed out loud. I have new besties who are apparently triplets all named “Click Here”. Their mom was very creative.

  8. I’m so glad I haven’t gotten any spam comments yet on my new blog, although some of my referring sites under my blogger stats seem to be porn, and I have no idea why.

  9. OH MY GOD, we share the SAME spammer!! 😉 That girl clearly gets around, huh?! This is absolutely one of the best things I have ever read! Made me LAUGH OUT LOUD! So glad I stopped by from SITS to read it!

    • I’m so glad you dropped by!

      I admit I’m saddened to know that my relationship with ms lista isn’t an exclusive one.

      Please don’t tell me she copy pastes too!

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