Fertilization and Ice Cream – My Kids Make Me Laugh

Sometimes I wish my kids would make an appointment with me to talk about important stuff (like fertilization and s-e-x).

It’s not that I’m too busy to talk to them, it’s more because I’d really like a few moments alone with Google to get myself psyched up and prepared for these big discussions.  Ideally, I want time to pray, check google, call my mom, have a good cry with a friend, and beg my husband to please handle the discussion  Realistically, my kids always ask me life’s hardest questions when I’m unprepared.

Picture this…

I’m driving down the road one afternoon, returning from the carpool line. I have my boys (kindergarten and 3rd grade), plus a carpooler (Boo, 5th grade boy). I’m running through my afternoon checklist, mentally preparing dinner and fretting about homework. My second grader decided to start asking me questions I was completely unprepared to answer.

was that the ice cream truck

Watty: Mommy, did you know that daddy spiders fertilize mommy spiders.
me: Well, yes.
Watty: And… daddy ants fertilize the queen ant, right.
me: Correct.
Watty: So, did daddy fertilize you to make me?

Boo is about to bust a gut trying not to laugh.  I’m looking straight ahead, both hands on the wheel.  I am NOT making eye contact.

me: Well, yes.

I’m trying hard not to think where this conversation is headed, wishing a giant hole would swallow me up.  I have one hand on the phone, wondering if I still have time to call my husband.  I wish life had a “phone-a-friend” option.

Watty: So, the queen ant has no use for the daddy ants after they fertilize her, right.
me: I’m not sure.

I am pressing down on the accelerator, trying to end this car-ride of shame.  Boo is trying to whisper to me to tell me what to say.  I am NOT listening!

Watty: And the mommy spider eats the daddy spider, right?
me: I think so.

OMW OMW OMW, whatdoisay help help help!

Watty: So… after daddy fertilized you, did you want to eat him?

Boo is now red faced, tears running down his cheeks. We are at Boo’s house, but he’s not budging out of my car until he hears the end of this story.  I am about ready to open the car door and “help” Boo out of the car.

me: Right after he fertilized me?
Watty: yes.
me. Absolutely not. It was the furthest thing from my mind.

At this point, I’m trying to keep a straight face and NOT look Boo in the eye as I shove him out of my car.  I’m trying desperately to not think about where the conversation might be going.  Mentally, I have my fingers in my ears and am screaming “nanananana, I can’t hear you!”

GoGo (my precious baby): So what about later, did you want to eat daddy then?
me: Was that the ice cream truck? Lets go see if we can catch it.

Yes, I bailed. I flashed back to the last few weeks of pregnancy, the days of labor, and suddenly, I empathized with the female spider. There were moments.. well… um… Look, is that the shoe sale truck?

The funniest part of the whole story is yet to come. Later that night, when my husband came home, the first thing GoGo asked him was

Daddy, when you fertilized mommy, were you worried she would eat you like a spider or just throw you out of the nest like an ant.

Hubby had this terrified “deer in the headlight” looks on his face. Then he said

Was that the ice cream truck?

My husband says this was NOT his response.  He claims he responded with something along the lines of “people are not like insects.”  I like my version of the story much better.

sex and ice cream

Do you have any tales to share?  I’d love to hear how you would have handled the conversation!  Any parenting advice for the next time my kids ask “those” questions?

fertilization and ice cream

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Susan Baker
I have a passion for encouraging weary worn out mothers to find joy in everyday motherhood and peace in unlikely places. I have two elementary school boys, one nerdy husband, and two cats. I have a strange fascination for bad puns, the color pink, socks, and books. I worry about running out of toilet paper, wine, and chocolate.. I serve an amazing God. I live an ordinary life filled with wonder.
Susan Baker
Susan Baker

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Comments

  1. Great post! I am sooo not looking forward to those convos with my little one, but I hope I handle them with this much humor!

    • I wish I could say this was the first of these conversations, but it wasn’t. I’m always trapped driving, as two innocent little boys ask me these questions. Ugh!

  2. I think you handled the conversation beautifully! I’m hoping my kids just learn all that stuff on the playground–well, not really.

    • Um, the playground is the worst! Aside from the obvious confusion around storks, cabbages, or swimsuits… When they learn stuff that way I have to start by figuring out what they are talking about (with a straight face), then explain why their friend is wrong, and then try to convince them that what I’m saying is right… Even though it sounds even more ridiculous than what their friend said.

  3. comeoverforcoffee says:

    Oh my word!! That is the funniest thing I’ve heard all day!!! You told it so well that I felt like I was sitting in the car with you! Thank you for a good laugh. I don’t have any advice at all. My oldest is heading for 5th grade, and we’ve been putting off “the talk”. It’s coming this summer, and I’m dreading it.

    • I’m so glad I could make you laugh. Good luck with “the talk” – can you just hand them a book or something? I’m actually thankful my boys feel like they can trust me with such personal topics. I’m honored to be able to answer them in a way that includes our morals. But it’s sooooooooo embarrassing. The worst was when my dad was in the car when the questions started. My dad was cracking up, but I wanted to just crawl under a rock!

  4. ashleyinnc says:

    I am crying with laughter!! This is probably one of the best S-E-X stories I have ever heard from a kid!! I am DREADING the day this happens to me, because I know it is going to be sooner rather than later…can I use you as my phone a friend when it does!? ;) Stopping by from SITS.

  5. Your post made me laugh. It reminded me of a car trip with two of my daughters. The older daughter was asking how babies were made. I kept the story to her age level and then heard this maniacal laugh from the toddler in the booster seat. In between laughs she kept saying, “I knew there was an egg in there somewhere.” Of course the older daughter was mortified. I had trouble driving! Just visiting from SITS. Enjoyed your blog site.

  6. YOU always crack me up woman. At only three years Dino was pleased with how his body reacts in the morning….get my drift. I was very honest with him and told him directly that this happens to all men, even daddy. I personally am a very open person and have no problem saying it like it is. I would answer answer questions Dino has with honesty on a level he can understand. But I know not everyone is comfortable with that.

    • I think every family has their own ways of communicating about testosterone triggered events. I was super thankful that my husband actually had that little talk with the boys. My kids expressed elation over… things… in such a cute way. It would totally humiliate them if I shared it, so I don’t. But it was cute.

      Generally, I answer their questions honestly and directly. We like science stuff. We use big science words for anatomical processes. That seems to make it easier for me. But it’s still weird to talk about “the act” with my kids in the 1st person. It’s just…. ewwwwwww….

  7. hahahah…i really enjoyed every bit of this article…i haven’t read a article this funny in a long time…thanks for sharing with us Susan.. :)

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