No Flowers for Me

Valentine’s Day is coming up this week, and there will be no flowers for me.

Between dating and marriage, we’ve been together 14 years.  Aside from our wedding day, my husband has only bought me flowers once.

(that was early in our marriage when a mutual male friend pressured him into doing it.  when my husband handed me those roses, he said “here – i only got you these because marvin made me do it.  i hope he’s happy.”  nice.)

I’m also not going to be given a giant box of chocolates.  My husband knows me well enough to know I have a stash of quality dark chocolate somewhere in the house and that I’m not a big fan of the mixed assorted stuff.

(the good stuff is currently hidden in my sock drawer.  don’t ask why.)

I was given jewelry for a wedding present (and obviously for our engagement) but I haven’t received any since.  If I want jewelry, I tend to go out and buy what I want.

no flowers for me

I’m totally OK with this.

Before you totally freak out and think my husband is some kind of neglectful lout I should tell you that last week we did at least talk about Valentine’s Day.

Hubby:  Do I need to get you anything this year?

Me:  Nah, I’m good.

Hubby:  OK. You sure?

Me:  Well… there’s still that really expensive kitchen gadget I want.

He knew the gadget in question.  And he’s now shopping for it via some online auctions.  When I talked about the gadget, I was thinking it would come gift wrapped from a fancy kitchen store.  Apparently it will arrive at my door wrapped in newspaper and shipped in a recycled brown cardboard box.  Good enough.

We go through this every year.

No Flowers for Me

Some years, he takes me to lunch.  But there have been years where he had business meetings or where I had kid’s school parties to cover.

Some years, I remember to cook his favorite dinner.  But there have been years where I totally spaced it or the kids were sick.

Most years, the whole thing is a non-event in our home.

If I didn’t need to send the kids to school with valentine’s stuff we could probably skip the whole day all together.

As long as I stay off social media I’m OK.

I’m human.

When my friends start posting photos of the roses they got from their husband I feel a twinge.

When I see the fancy dinner dates I may sigh briefly.

When the flower delivery truck rumbles down the street I confess I might hold my breath until it has passed my house completely.

show me that you love me 2

But then I remember.

I remember that my husband takes me out for a lunch date every single week that the kids are in school.  We don’t miss it.

I remember all the times that my husband does the dinner dishes, takes out the trash, and cleans the toilets without me asking him to do it.

I remember that my husband fills my car up with gas and cleans out the trash every chance he gets.

I remember that he let me pick paint colors for the entire house without questioning me.   I remember that he totally took my side when I was upset with the contractor (even though I was wrong).  I remember that he doesn’t seem to mind when I neglect to put his laundry away.

I remember that he believes in me – sometimes more than I believe in myself.  He pushes me and won’t let me quit.  He won’t accept excuses when he knows I’m shirking.

He cuts me a ton of slack when I need it.  The man doesn’t complain when I serve cheese and crackers with apple slices for dinner (on paper plates… for the second time in a week.)

My husband will probably never win a prize for the most romantic amazing pintastic Valentine’s Day.

But the other 364 days of the year?  He’s a prize winner for sure.  On a random Sunday afternoon of your choosing, he stacks up nicely against the mythical competition.

(yes, i said competition. don’t act shocked.  we all do it.  at some point we’ve all been in a circle of women who are determined to out-do each other for who has the most amazing husband just so we can make the other women feel envy.)

When I look at it that way, it’s ok.

My husband shows his love with acts of service and words of affirmation. Why in the world would he need to give me roses too?

i dont want flowers

No flowers for me.

I wear it like a badge of honor.

When a friend tries comfort me with sympathy, I just smile and say

No, hubby didn’t send me flowers for Valentine’s Day.  He didn’t need to.  Do you know what he did the week before?

Then I proceed to tell her.

My list is way better than flowers.  Every.single.time.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject.  Do you see your husband’s gifts of service as equal to a gift of roses?    

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Susan Baker
I have a passion for encouraging weary worn out mothers to find joy in everyday motherhood and peace in unlikely places. I have two elementary school boys, one nerdy husband, and two cats. I have a strange fascination for bad puns, the color pink, socks, and books. I worry about running out of toilet paper, wine, and chocolate.. I serve an amazing God. I live an ordinary life filled with wonder.
Susan Baker
Susan Baker

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Comments

  1. Thank you! This is awesome. With 3 kids in our home its hard if not impossible to get the worlds view of romance into action. Romance in this home is more of a day to day doing for each other, many times stuff we might not necesarily enjoy but do just because we know the other will appreciate it. Its all the daily little things that count for us and made ya fall for each other in the 1st place. I think part of the sometimes false expectations we have come from movies,tv,media….. Anyways, thanks again for sharing. Your not alone :)

    • I’m so glad you can relate! It’s something I struggled with the first few years of our marriage. Then I read a book called the 5 love languages that explains how different people communicate their love. That’s when it clicked and I began to see the clean dishes and empty trash cans as an expression of my husband’s love for me. (not to mention incredibly helpful)

      If you haven’t seen the book, I highly recommend it. http://www.5lovelanguages.com (the free quiz is a great place to start – click “profiles” and go from there).

  2. This post made me think of the 5 Love Languages book–I’m guessing you’ve read it? It also made me smile because I can relate a bit. Of course, the important question from this practical person is WHAT kitchen gadget? I might need to be more jealous about that than I would a dozen roses ;) On a rambling side note, I once told my best friend that I didn’t want a man to bring me roses but rather one that would plant a rose bush for me so it was quite a sign when my boyfriend at the time (now husband) gave me flower bulbs as a gift one year.

    • I’ve read the book, and actually have given quite a few copies to friends.

      The gadget in question would be my 1st Le Creuset. I’ve been drooling for years.
      http://cookware.lecreuset.com/cookware/product_7-1%2F4-qt.-Round-French-Oven_10151_-1_20002_10139_21056

      I think hubby is shopping for the blue version, although I’d be happy with red too. Whatever color it is will drive the purchase of new towels and stuff to color coordinate with the pot.

      And I’m giggling – my hubby gave me a rosebush two Christmases ago. The boys gave me the pot it’s in. I love the idea of getting flower bulbs, that sounds like a cool gift to me. I’m right there with you.

  3. It’s a non-event at my house, too. In the early years he got me flowers. But then we had kids and one income and the budget was tight and I told him not to. We don’t go out to eat or get cards or anything. But neither of us cares. We have a very good marriage and we work hard at it all year long. We don’t need a special day on the calendar to make sure we treat each other special.

    And I’m not judging all those who do observe Valentines Day. Everybody’s different.

    • Patty, I think it boils down to what love languages are spoken. If “gifts” is a big language, then making a big to-do about Valentine’s Day would make sense. I agree. There’s nothing wrong with getting flowers or a lingerie-gram or whatever is special and meaningful. But there’s also nothing wrong with ignoring all the hoopla in favor of cuddling up with some take-out and a movie rental in your favorite comfy pj’s.

  4. We’ve been married for 15 years, and have never once exchanged gifts, cards or other whatnots for Valentine’s. This year, since my husband has been diagnosed with brain cancer, it was really tempting to feel like we ought to do something. At the same time, that would feel like giving in to our fears.

    We’ve decided we’ll cook a dinner together. (Usually I do all of the cooking, all by myself.) He’s going to make the surf & turf part, I’ll make a salad, and we’ll make dessert together. When our 12 year-old son found out this was our plan, he said he wants to play waiter so we can enjoy our romantic dinner.

    I won’t be getting flowers, and I won’t be getting on social media, either. But I’m going to be getting SO much more as a result. :)

    • That’s an awesome plan. I hope y’all enjoy every bite of your romantic dinner. And how sweet of your son to want to play waiter. I hope he decides to play dishwasher too. ;)

      You’re absolutely right. You’ll be getting something far more precious than flowers.

  5. Ok I’m late to this party, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE this! This describes us perfectly! I wish I would have seen this weeks ago. Beautifully spoken!

  6. These tips are really tremendous. I think it would be effective for all. Thank you for sharing with us. I hope everyone like these tips as me. Keep it up.

  7. I really loved reading it. Your husband seems to be a very nice person but quite straight as what I interpret which is a good human quality. I wish you both love and success in your life. Happy living :)

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